What My Stress-Induced Hairfall Taught Me About Perfectionism

By Marlyn Pereira April 2, 2021 In Features, Intheirwords 0 BODY POSITIVITY, INTHEIRWORDS 5

Trigger warning:

Self-harm, suicidal tendencies, depression, body dysmorphia, eating disorder.

Telogen Effluvium is stress-induced temporary hair fall that usually surfaces months after the actual stressor has occurred. Usually, it requires no treatment; apparently, the hair grows back on its own. Unfortunately for me, as a person with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, stress was as staple as breathing. When the pandemic and the lockdown hit, everything hit the roof, or should I say, went downhill?

Always Stressed But Ploughing Through Life

Hair fall due to stress was not a condition out of the question for me. It had been happening time and again during my degree college years and other such everyday minor stressors. The recurrence of this led me to neglect the excessive hair fall that was actually a problem. I first started seeing signs of excessive hair fall when the lockdown began. It was easy to dismiss hair fall due to stress.

Obviously, lockdown came with stressors. I needed a job; my MA dissertation wasn’t complete—an increasing number of bills, and obviously the genuine fear of Covid19. Being stuck at home with a loud, overbearing family, in an overly crowded house, and the lack of privacy or personal space was not helping my stress levels either. In the chaos of figuring it all out, I forgot to pay attention to myself.

I used to worry about the chunks of hair that shed during a shower or the way my hair was thinning from my scalp slowly, but I dismissed it. I thought it would get better. I tried to take care of my hair fall with innumerable DIYs and homemade shortcuts. The amount of aloe vera, eggs, and bananas and whatnot that went into this disrupted my mother’s grocery list. There was no visible change in my hair fall.

Was It Stress-Induced Hair Fall or Stress Induced by Hair Fall?

Over four months, it got worse. My scalp began to abnormally secrete oil, I had greasy hair most of the time, and I had to wash it off almost every day. Obviously, this didn’t help because it dried my hair out even more, and the frizz made my hair extremely brittle. I could run my hands through my hair once, and my palm would be packed with 100-110 strands.

I was terrified. Maybe a haircut would help, I thought. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. Seeing my hair visible thinning in volume was the last straw for me, and I decided to visit a dermatologist. Thankfully, the doctor noticed how my hair fall was a pattern for almost five months now and diagnosed me with Telogen Effluvium. She prescribed a lotion, capsules and some shampoo and conditioner for three months.

But it was not the part where I had to figure out what was wrong that was difficult; it was what came after. “It gets worse before it gets better,” people say, which is incredibly accurate. But, it is also challenging to get through the “worse” stage.

The Diagnosis

My doctor was a good practitioner, although she was someone who lacked empathy. I think that was what stressed me out even further, the lack of reassurance and clarity from my doctor. She gave me solutions, yes, but not explaining what was wrong and what the condition really was. I found out from a random corner in my life.

At this point, somewhere during December, I had managed to move out from my crowded house into an apartment. I was hoping this would help me focus on myself a little more, take care of myself a little more than I did. It backfired.

Depression and Body Dysmorphia

Waking up alone, day after day, and seeing up 100-150 strands scattered across my bed, on repeat, is a feeling I am terrified to even think of even today. I began to stop looking into the mirror. I was terrified to shower; touch my hair, and apply my medication because I was so scared that I’ll have to see my hair shed as if I was a cat or something. Dealing with TE as a medical condition and the stress and anxiety of watching my hair fall off my scalp day in and out became so intense I got depressed.

Along with my depression, my body dysmorphia and my eating disorder intensified rapidly. I didn’t feel good about myself at all. I woke up every day, worked for 10 hours, ate a little if I could and just slept. On most days, taking a shower, prepping a meal, eating that meal felt like tedious and complex tasks. I went for days without eating, or on juices, or a glass of milk and biscuits, and that’s it. Sometimes I’d make a good breakfast, but the smell of food would feel so repulsive that if I managed to gulp it down, I’d throw it all up, or I couldn’t bring myself to eat it at all.

Being In A Dark Place With No Light In Sight

I slowly began to realise that my sense of self was starting to crumble. I journaled to keep my sanity intact and to process these emotions. The idea that maybe someday I’d go bald and won’t be what one could call “conventionally beautiful”. It was a challenge to be kind to myself. I started picking out every flaw in me and made worsened my mental state on purpose. I was at a very dark place, and at this time, and I was straight up self-destructive.

It was only the love I received from my incredibly patient partner that kept me going. I was nearly on the verge of relapsing into self-harm. My parents didn’t know what I was going through, and I didn’t have the strength to explain everything. I felt tired all the time. The patience and support from my partner was the last thread by which I was hanging.

As I struggled to grapple with the idea that it was okay to lose my hair and it would get better, and it was okay even if it didn’t get better, he was the only source of comfort. Talking to him, opening up to him every day about what I truly felt helped the most. Those conversations inevitably made me realise that I needed to give my body and my mind time and take a conscious effort to break the “Hair fall due to stress, stress due to hair fall” cycle.

Breaking the Cycle

I needed to let my body undergo changes and finally come around to accept the medication and get better. It also made me realise how much of our sense of self is rooted in conventionality and the ideas fed to us, the beauty standards that make you constantly change yourself to fit appropriately for a gaze that is not even your own.

The realisation made me reconsider many things, and while I can’t say that I am beyond these conventional standards. I don’t care that I might be a bald lady someday. I am starting to learn that beauty and confidence are concepts that should grow from within yourself. It will take me a while to fully accept this thought and unlearn all the patriarchal conditioning, but I know I have started, and that’s good enough for me for now.

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A Whole Lot Of Unlearning

After what seems like a never-ending saga, I want to end by emphasising what I took back from this experience. I learned that opening up, talking to someone you trust when you’re going through something is the most challenging thing to do, but it is the most important. Asking for help, for comfort and support might feel exhausting and selfish. It might also induce or amplify the fear of abandonment. Still, it is essential to look past these thoughts.

We’re human, and sometimes we need support to get through things, and that’s more than okay. I learned how important it is for medical professionals to be more empathetic towards their patients. Patients want solutions, of course, but they need clarity and reassurance. I wish I could say that I wouldn’t spiral as much if my doctor just sat me down and told me to prepare myself for what’s to come, or at least explained my condition to me, but I’d be lying if I did.

I also learned that there is a lot of unlearning to do when it comes to an understanding where one’s sense of self comes from, where the construct of the self is rooted. It is important to question those roots. It is vital to examine the idea of perfection. More importantly, it’s essential to be patient and allow yourself, your body and mind, space to first break down. And then recover. It is the most important in the world to learn how to be kind to yourself.