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Dear Marks and Spencer, I’m Fat and Fun. Gimme Bras like me.

Dear Marks And Spencer,

Have you – the whole lot of you that makes and sells and distributes lovely lingerie across the world – ever slept with a fat woman? I have to ask because clearly, you’ve got this all figured out. Let’s see…the rack for size 30 A, B and C. Bra colours: pink with black spots, leopard prints, monkey prints, candy stripes. And let’s spin around the room to size 34…big bold colours…hot pink with lace, deep dive purple see through bras.

Now, let’s come to Size 40. Black and white only. Now let’s go to the underwear section for women. See anything in the big sizes that suggests anything but -‘meant for nuns only?’

Now I know you’re meticulous with your research. You’ve checked Pornhub and XVideos.com and other such real life places to know what women of all shapes and sizes (read 28-32 DD only) like to wear. Or rather, what men who look at women from 28-32 DD would like women to wear. And then you think – okay.

Let’s do the math here. Big sized women also wear underwear and bras. Let’s cater for those hapless souls as well. Of course, they’re way too big to have any sex anymore, so let’s make their panties strictly functional. To cover body parts and avoid spillage after a good pee.

Since you’re obviously very thorough and know your market backwards, I cannot hope to compete with you on fact. So let me present a fictional scenario for you. Indulge me will you and I promise, there’s cash to be made on the other side. Plus porn.

 

 

Fictional scenario 1. A woman such as myself, poor deprived sexless slob, ventures out in search of some…you know what, I’m too shy to say. And after a thousand rejects, aloha! Along comes a pair of well meaning legs. After much heavy breathing and panting…the sign is revealed. In black and white. `Utterly Motherly.’ This bra is a no go zone. Legs and face pan down. `Granny panties.’ With lovely little purple flowers all over. Just like babies. And since the said pair of legs isn’t a pedophile, the second an image of his kid sister or granny flashes, it’s all over.

Now I realize that catering for this one lonesome fat person who is probably only fictional, makes no financial sense at all. And besides, it breaks the Holy Order of M & S where there must be an instruction manual, all colour coded…30 C – hot pink, 34 C – purple, 38 – reduce colour options. 40…black and white only.

So let’s look at the prospect of an investment in The Future. A Brave New World in which a mutant type – FAT FAT FAT is released. It mushrooms and worst of all – it is filled with DESIRE! What if these deviants already exist! And they’re not sure whether they have desire or not, since when they bend, you know, they can’t even see their pussies.

What if you created desire in them? Ignited their Vagina-minds? By creating the product first and then forcing them out of their pre-programmed nunnery? It would be as revolutionary as Coca Cola and McDonalds. Creating demand for chemical tasting dark liquids and rubber like food when there wasn’t any. It’s like Star Trek. To boldly go where no one went before…and now look! We have two generations of people that say – give me poison to drink and rubber to eat or I’ll die! What if this lovely commerce infected FAT-NUNS and turned them into FAT-FUN?

I know daaahlings…you think of yourselves as haute couture and I’ve just offended you deeply by comparing you with Mac-N-Cheese. Well for fuck’s sake, if you don’t like it, then get off your bloomin’ arses and make some lingerie for real people. Fat and saucy. With double lace on the side.

 

Credit: Illustration and .gif by Smiti Pani

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